What about the Geese?

By Matt Fiore

For those living under a rock or for those that have been French kissing their Barack Obama posters for the last two weeks, US Airways Flight 1549 crashed into the Hudson River following engine failure due to a flock of geese that flew into the engine shortly after take off.  Amazingly, the pilot was able to remain calm and landed the aircraft on the Hudson River with no fatalities.  It was almost two weeks ago, but one of the CNN.com headlines still sticks out in my mind:

“God was certainly looking out for all of us”

Most people probably read over this quote by one of the passengers and made nothing of it.  The simple fact that the majority of planes in similar situations would have had a disastrous outcome makes one wonder how this particular plane was so fortunate.  However, the logic behind crediting a god for the events is terribly naive.  After reading the title of the CNN article, one has to ask oneself, “Is this passenger actually saying that his god was looking out for him and his fellow passengers, but stood by and watched hundreds of horrific plane crashes that have occurred over the years?  Does this man really want his god to take credit for such atrocities?  The logical explanation for the plane crash is simply that the expert pilot was able to remain calm and collected as the series of events unfolded and was able to maneuver the plane to safety, because the geese did not cause sufficient damage to make the pilot lose control.  No god involved.

Another question that this man should answer is what about the geese?  The geese that were brutally slaughtered by the plane were all creations of god, according to believers.  I can’t imagine what this innocent group of god’s creations could have done to deserve such a horrid death.  Perhaps they missed mass last Sunday.  Regardless, this god has an apparent mysterious vengeance for geese and felt the need to put a “hit out” on the flock.

In closing, one of three conclusions must be drawn concerning this situation.  One is that god was certainly looking out for only the passengers that day.  Second, god was in the mood for some entertainment that day and wondered what it would look like if a flock of geese collided with tons of lightweight metal at a high speed.  Or third, there is no god.  You decide…

Lessons from a Badass

By Lauren R. Camhe

After a 12-year awkward stage, I finally came into my own somewhere around 2005. Although not the most well-liked high schooler, I knew college would be a new era to redefine my character and mold myself into whoever I wanted to be.

Upon moving into college, I decided my true calling was a pure, unadulterated badass. For centuries, badasses have been ruling the world. Think about John Travolta as Danny Zuko, Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller, or even “Gia,” Stephanie Tanner’s best friend on the sitcom “Full House.” Not only do people admire and respect the modern-day badass, but most importantly, no one fucks with a badass…no one.

Generally speaking, badasses usually have three qualities:

1. An exclusive group of friends

2. Aviator sunglasses

3. Spontaneous party tricks that seemingly make him/her unpredictable

Once I found my highly exclusive crew and aviators, I embarked on an adventure to find a talent, any talent, that I knew I could use anywhere.

My first goal was to make it look like I could breakdance. If I could do this while wearing aviators, I knew no one would be able to touch me. Also, in the event of a showdown, I would be able to make a statement and come through with the following:

Badass Move #1: The Worm

I worked on the worm from September 2006 through April 2007 inclusively. It was a grueling seven months of pulling this party favorite (which prior, looked like a seizure at best) with nightly practices and an abundance of bruises. Luckily, my aviators hid them well, and by May, my worm was really shaping up.

But badasses can’t just have one move: I had to have another chapter in my book of tricks. So again, I scrolled through the golden list of eternal badasses and decided on the moonwalk as my next move. Afterall, no one fucks with Michael (Note: previous statement not applicable to individuals who are 12 years old and under).

Badass Move #2: The Moonwalk

Again, I knew the Moonwalk would be a definitive crowd-pleaser. This move was leading up to the most badass task of all; so much, in fact, that I didn’t even know if I could pull it off. Could I, Lauren R. Camhe, originally a small-town girl with little former bad-ass knowledge, conquer the moonwalk+worm combo in aviator sunglasses? Was I bold enough to attempt and succeed the most badass move of them all? Well, you be the judge of that.

So to my fellow badasses and badass wannabes, my advice to you is to dream big. In the meantime, I’ll be here in my aviators practicing my back-handspring- into-split while listening to the “Notorious” soundtrack.

inauguration day, and beyond

By Steve Pessah

President Obama was inaugurated today, and according to Wolf Blitzer of CNN, more people were watching it on TV than the season finale of M*A*S*H (thank goodness for that fun fact).

here at toeachtheirown, we proposed a question to our readers, viewers, and critics (if there are any out there): what are two things you’re looking forward to with Obama, or what are two things you will not miss from Bush? from the thousands of responses we got (i’m just kidding, it was a couple million), here are a few of them. names are withheld for privacy purposes.

• I will miss Bush’s inarticulate verbiage and laughing at him every time he speaks. And I am looking forward to the feeling of confidence in the president of the United States that Obama will bring to the office.
• I will miss Bush’s monkey faces. I am looking forward to seeing more sneak peaks of Obama’s sexy bod.
• What I look forward to with Obama: a healthier, smart planet, and email updates from Michelle. What I’ll miss from Bush: awesome vocab words learned to describe his major policy decisions; vicissitude, onerous, botch, contentious, arbitrary, anathema, and bushisms.

if anyone else wants to share, lets hear ’em. we’re all eager for more. and for now, lets be hopeful and optimistic that our 44th president of the United States can turn our great nation around.