by Lauren R. Camhe
I’d like to preface this post by saying that I am not complaining (although if I were, it would be entirely too typical of a white Jewish girl), just stating an inevitable truth that is seemingly neglected by society.
I, Lauren R. Camhe, am not only a white, Jewish female: rather, I am one of the whitest, most Jewish females you have or will ever come across. That’s right; I’m that girl at bars who dances for amusement because I typically shouldn’t be coordinated. I’m that bitch in the corner screaming “n**ga what?!?!” solely because it’s a paradox and a crowd-pleaser, and you bet your bottom dollar that if I go near a stove, it’s only if I want to look at it, paint it, or clean it, because any food I could ever whip up is at best, inedible. I’m in AEPhi, a nationally Jewish sorority. I know every line to all three versions of Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song. My dad supports me and my entire family, and although I’ve been known to work my fingers to the bone, I still spend my money on useless items because I know in the future I am expected to marry a rich, white, Jewish accountant who will only be around in the Summer when we send our well-groomed, Jewish children to sleep-away camp.
After reading the above, it doesn’t shock me that you want to slap me across the face because there are children in Somalia without trust funds: believe me, you are part of the majority. But here I sit, telling you that what’s expected of me as a white, Jewish girl is more void of opportunity than Shaquille O’Neal’s career in movies (my sincerest apologies to those who genuinely enjoyed Kazaam).
Time and time again I’ve witnessed this conspiracy. After birth, we are put on sports teams so other talented, athletic girls can make fun of us. After the preliminary stages of embarrassment, our parents come to understand that just like them, we will never be able to attain true success through anything that requires synchronization or coordination. Once we have failed in athleticism, we are sent away for two months at a time so our parents don’t have to deal with us. Then, after high school seemingly trains us to be huge bitches with tremendous, delusional senses of entitlement , we are shipped to a private university so we can major in fashion design. But wait, it gets better… since other races are generally more meticulous with their hands, we go into designer buying or realize our only shot at a real job is through looking hot in a business suit for the CEO of a fortune-500 company or teaching. And when that doesn’t work out, nowadays, we have only one place to turn: J-Date.
This is the vicious cycle that has come to be plight of the white, Jewish girl. Which is why, in my quest to rescue future generations of white, Jewish girls, I have only one request: a small box on the SATs that can be checked to obtain some sort of scholarship or grant. After enduring the hardship of being a white Jewish girl, all I want is a place where girls just like me can verify their identity as doing well but going nowhere, and score some sympathy points on an admissions board so they can feel as if they’re not alone.
Why not? After all, if you check the box that says you’re Hispanic, it’s an automatic $10,000 to Georgetown. And if you’re a Pacific Islander, you get a billion bucks to go anywhere in the continental U.S…for free! I’ve seen Happy Feet and those kids seem just fine without the money. Given, my greatly-cultured outlook on life certainly doesn’t depict the majority, but maybe I wouldn’t see the world through Pixar-animated, Disney films if I checked the “white-Jewish-girl” box and received some money for a better education. Maybe I’d have goals if I didn’t have to marry rich to be somebody, send my kids away for summers at a time, and wallow in the fact that my future spawn will only attain MVP awards in accounting and investment banking, and only if they’re men.
So the plight of the white, Jewish girl continues as I major in Leadership (almost worse than fashion design) and attempt success. My only hope for the future is for Jewish girls everywhere to one day have the opportunity to be able to check a box and receive that sympathy scholarship for which I have been yearning all my life…well…that, and that I never have to resort to JDate.
**Disclaimer: readers, please be advised that this post is not intended to insult or offend viewers, nor is it a realistic account of proposed events (as it is unlikely that a scholarship will be provided for white, Jewish females), in fact, it was written for comedic value only. This is simply a general account of popular Jewish stereotypes and not meant to spark such frustration, as it is highly exaggerated and impossible. Thanks, LRC.
to each their own 