To Go? or Not To Go?: All Points West Festival 2009

By Kris-Ann Panzella

I am so torn right now. I received an e-mail last week announcing this summer’s second annual All Points West Festival and I’m not too psyched about it. Last year when I got word of the lineup I nearly peed my pants. The build up from the time I got my tickets until August was intense, and I was really psyched.

Then the festival lived up to my expectations because, let’s be honest, seeing Kings of Leon and Radiohead perform a ridiculously awesome set in one day is pretty much a religious experience.

The festival did have it’s downfalls for the less daring. For instance if you were not as ballsy as me, you would have paid 8 bucs to sip on a light beer in a corralled section for alcohol nowhere near any of the three stages. But if you were me, you would have worn paper bag shorts and strategically harnessed several bottles of booze to your legs. But it was not all fun and games for me; I too was included in the crazy public transportation route of train, path, subway, yada yada yada. I was also one of the thousands on what seemed like a death march in the August sun light to actually get from the Light Rail station to the festival grounds. But again, the music made up for it. It was such an awesome show with so many amazing artists to check out.

So, you can imagine how excited I was when I saw the e-mail in my inbox announcing the line up. But really I’m at a loss. Let’s discuss:
Day one the Beastie Boys are headlining…okay that’s legit. There are some other legit acts as well like The National and Pharcyde, but there are also some randoms in there. For instance, Q-Tip. With all due respect, what is he doing there? The College Humor crew is also on the bill, but let’s be honest I love their website and hate their tv show, so where does that leave a performance by them at a music festival.

Day two. All I have to say is one word: Tool. What the hell is that about!?!?! It’s a shame because I would have hit day two up for the Arctic Monkeys and the lovely Neko Case. That day will surely turn out to be strange since the different acts draw different crowds. It will be like walking on Mars.

Day three has a lot of potential. You got MGMT who everyone seems to like now, including myself sometimes. You also have the Black Keys who are amazing. But then to throw it off they put Coldplay in there.

Last year the headliners were Radiohead, and this year Coldplay. Like that is supposed to be of equal value, I think not. I can’t help but be disappointed. I like Coldplay, don’t get me wrong, but they are not a festival act. Nobody should be forced to see them unless they paid tickets to go to a Coldplay show.

Overall I’m frowning at this three day show. But I had so much fun last year that I want to believe. I mean look how much fun I’m having in the picture below. Help make a believer of me and convince me that this year’s line up for All Points West isn’t bull shit.

Good Times!

I <3 Infomercials

By: Kris-Ann Panzella

I love infomercials.  I always have.  It probably has to do with the onset of insomnia as a young child.  I could never fall asleep, still can’t, the solution:  turn on the TV.  I would fall asleep to some Welcome Back Cotter on Nick at Night and I would wake up hours later to some fantastic products.  Because of this I consider myself an expert on info-mercials.  I know them all, I love most of them, and the best part is I’ve never ordered a damn thing. 

Today I discovered this video, and it’s stinking hilarious.  Yes I said stinking hilarious.  It is the creme-de-la-creme of infomercials.  Check out the Cock Shot, it’s awesome.

You used to be a Republican? — Me too

By Kris-Ann Panzella

Once upon a time I was super naïve, and super Republican. It was around 2000 when I was coming to terms with my own self ignorance while at the same time trying to figure out how my boobs grew so fast over night. I was about fourteen, still had all of my brain cells – if you catch my drift – and thought quality time with my Father meant watching Bill O’Reilly on the daily. I had no idea at the time I was being brain washed and ended up buying a lot of bull shit conservative rhetoric. To make matters worse I took a keen interest in my extremely conservative high school history teacher who introduced me to the world of political junkie-dom.

Basically I didn’t have a chance, and thought George Bush was cool. Much of my early years as a political pundit were spent chit chatting with adults about how awesome lower taxes were, and how we were gonna slam some Iraqi ass. Most of them agreed with me, and therefore I thought what I was saying was correctamundo.

By 2004, a few things had changed in my life. My mind was expanding as fast as my cup size did, and I was beginning to question my ideals and the ideals of my beloved GOP. I had always like camaraderie and stability, and the Republican party offered that and the Democratic party did not. 2004 was a tough year to be a Democrat. I thought the way Bush handed McCain a plate of fresh poo was bad ass; when really I should have woken up then and realized he was just a big liar that manipulated his way to power. Finally after getting to college I started buying into the determination of the Democratic party to unite and conquer. After paying close attention the past two years as Obama climbed his way up the ranks, I watched the Republican party slowly start to divide into the crazies and the crazy-ers.

Wait, what’s my point again?….oh yeah, Meghan McCain on Rachel Maddow last night. She’s angry because she can’t get laid and can’t “find a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side”(Sex and the City reference). So in turn she is channeling her frustrations towards crazy-ers of her political party. In this case, she’s bugging out on the extremely scary Anne Coulter for hating on the Jews and being a bad representative of the Republican party. Meghan also noted that there are polar ends of the GOP, and that she could be the poster child of the moderate Republicans who could then recruit younger and better looking people to make this the Grand Old Party of hipsters.

After reading some of her blogs, and watching the interview, I felt a little of her pain. I too once subscribed to the conservative bull shit, but I got clean over time and now lead a much happier life including romantic relationships and reasonable rent. Meghan, this is my advice to you:

Dear Meghan McCain,

You have hit the nail on the head that the Republican party is divided, and by bashing Anne Coulter it’s only going to make matters worse. You might as well just start your own political party of moderate thinking young people with innovative ideas. Or, here’s a genius idea, just become a goddamn Democrat. I know you didn’t take econ in college, I hardly did either (thanks for the D+ Professor. Asshole), but after getting to know you via the internet I think the solution to your problems Is to face facts and realize that you are a future Democrat. You should also realize that by telling America you have no idea what your party’s economic strategy is, you look like a dumbass, and while I’m at it here’s another piece of advice: girls of your shape should never wear a pants suit.

Sincerely,

Kris-Ann Panzella

Years from now Meghan McCain will be chilling at a bar laughing about the days when she used to be a Republican. Then a slightly over weight and balding man will say “You used to be a Republican? Me too” and will buy her a drink. And she will live happily ever after, because of me!