By Kris-Ann Panzella
Once upon a time I was super naïve, and super Republican. It was around 2000 when I was coming to terms with my own self ignorance while at the same time trying to figure out how my boobs grew so fast over night. I was about fourteen, still had all of my brain cells – if you catch my drift – and thought quality time with my Father meant watching Bill O’Reilly on the daily. I had no idea at the time I was being brain washed and ended up buying a lot of bull shit conservative rhetoric. To make matters worse I took a keen interest in my extremely conservative high school history teacher who introduced me to the world of political junkie-dom.
Basically I didn’t have a chance, and thought George Bush was cool. Much of my early years as a political pundit were spent chit chatting with adults about how awesome lower taxes were, and how we were gonna slam some Iraqi ass. Most of them agreed with me, and therefore I thought what I was saying was correctamundo.
By 2004, a few things had changed in my life. My mind was expanding as fast as my cup size did, and I was beginning to question my ideals and the ideals of my beloved GOP. I had always like camaraderie and stability, and the Republican party offered that and the Democratic party did not. 2004 was a tough year to be a Democrat. I thought the way Bush handed McCain a plate of fresh poo was bad ass; when really I should have woken up then and realized he was just a big liar that manipulated his way to power. Finally after getting to college I started buying into the determination of the Democratic party to unite and conquer. After paying close attention the past two years as Obama climbed his way up the ranks, I watched the Republican party slowly start to divide into the crazies and the crazy-ers.
Wait, what’s my point again?….oh yeah, Meghan McCain on Rachel Maddow last night. She’s angry because she can’t get laid and can’t “find a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side”(Sex and the City reference). So in turn she is channeling her frustrations towards crazy-ers of her political party. In this case, she’s bugging out on the extremely scary Anne Coulter for hating on the Jews and being a bad representative of the Republican party. Meghan also noted that there are polar ends of the GOP, and that she could be the poster child of the moderate Republicans who could then recruit younger and better looking people to make this the Grand Old Party of hipsters.
After reading some of her blogs, and watching the interview, I felt a little of her pain. I too once subscribed to the conservative bull shit, but I got clean over time and now lead a much happier life including romantic relationships and reasonable rent. Meghan, this is my advice to you:
Dear Meghan McCain,
You have hit the nail on the head that the Republican party is divided, and by bashing Anne Coulter it’s only going to make matters worse. You might as well just start your own political party of moderate thinking young people with innovative ideas. Or, here’s a genius idea, just become a goddamn Democrat. I know you didn’t take econ in college, I hardly did either (thanks for the D+ Professor. Asshole), but after getting to know you via the internet I think the solution to your problems Is to face facts and realize that you are a future Democrat. You should also realize that by telling America you have no idea what your party’s economic strategy is, you look like a dumbass, and while I’m at it here’s another piece of advice: girls of your shape should never wear a pants suit.
Sincerely,
Kris-Ann Panzella
Years from now Meghan McCain will be chilling at a bar laughing about the days when she used to be a Republican. Then a slightly over weight and balding man will say “You used to be a Republican? Me too” and will buy her a drink. And she will live happily ever after, because of me!
to each their own 